Welcome back fellow warriors! Glad to see everyone is in one piece -- except for Johnson in the back... Looks like the Demon won that last battle, eh? Don't worry, it'll grow back. Maybe.
Anyway, as many of you out there already know, we have a new set of assignments ahead of us, courtesy of Ultimate Doom. Yep, those PC heads didn't finish the job on Mars sufficiently, and now it's up to us MacDoomers to go in and KFA!
I've done a little rooting around the planet in anticipation of your return, and I've come up with a few tips for dealing with our hosts. For those of you who are staying home on Earth, I'll be discussing a particularly gnarly mission, Rabbit Hole, which should keep you Doom IIers busy for a while. (God knows it kept me hopping for a week... No offense intended, Johnson.)
Anyway, as always, let me say up front that some of these tricks and traps can be spoilers for what's up ahead. If you would rather take your chances, skip to the next article. But if you don't want to wind up like Johnson here, you might want to spend a few minutes reviewing the top-secret reports I've attached. Many have died (myself included) in the pursuit of these secrets.
And so, without further ado, let's go get some MEAT!
Ultimate Doom
First, a few words about Mars. There are fewer creatures up here to harass you, which is good news for you new recruits. Several creatures are AWOL on this mission, including the Mancubus, Revenant, and Hell Knights.
Here's a look at what you can expect to run into in Ultimate Doom (Doom II vets can skip the next paragraph):
There are many good men who have been enslaved by the dark side. These are known as Former Humans and Former Human Sergeants. The FHs are mostly harmless -- a few bullets here and there. The FHSs have shotguns, however. Take 'em out first and grab that baby. Other familiar faces include the Imps (spiky gorillas), Demons (big ass doggies, sans hair), Spectres (invisible big ass doggies), Cacodemons (flying meatballs that give you more than gas), Lost Souls (flying skulls on fire), and, of course, Barons of Hell (apt description).
The general traps are the same on Mars as they were back home -- lots of toxic waste (avoid the green stuff), a few lava pits, annoying critters that have bad breath... you know the drill. But there are a few particularly vicious areas where forewarned is, indeed, forearmed. (LAST WARNING: SPOILERS FOLLOW.)
 
Tricks
MISSION ONE: KNEE DEEP IN THE DEAD
LEVEL ONE (HANGAR): This level almost doesn't rate a trick or a trap -- it is ridiculously easy if you are a Doom II vet, but what the hell. After you cruise across the zig-zag road (there is only one), there will be an obviously differently-colored door on the right -- go in and clean up on health, ammo, and armor. Once you reach the exit room, go inside but do not press the button inside. Go back to the aforementioned zig-zag room. On your right will be a room full of stuff, including the only shotgun you can get on this level without cheating. And you would never use IDFA, would you?
LEVEL 3 (TOXIN REFINERY): This is one of those "kill-everything-first" type tricks. Watch for snipers as you approach the circular sidewalk. After fragging the lot, go to the mouth of the "o" and drop down into it. You should land on a small patch of ground in front of a switch. Flip it and voila! A nice, fat sidewalk that provides a far better escape route than you had before.
 
Traps
LEVEL 3 (TOXIN REFINERY): This is the first real trap you will encounter on Mars, so wipe that damn-I'm-good smirk off your face and pull out your fraggin' shotgun. As you approach the blue key, the room will go dark. When you pick up the key, a door leading to health, ammo, and Imps will unleash more pain than you would expect. Take 'em out and nurse your wounds.
HIDDEN LEVEL (MILITARY BASE): This level is one giant trap -- but there is one particular trap that is brutal. See that bright, shiny red pentagram on the floor? As soon as you get near it, you're going to be joined by umpteen aliens who will teleport in to greet you. It seems easy, but run the wrong way and you will never get out short of cheating. Best bet: Get a decent weapon (say, a plasma gun) ready before they arrive. The shotgun won't hack it, because reload time is munch time for the demons. This is a lovely frag-fest of a level, however. (By the way, don't ask me how I got here -- I have no idea.)
Doom II WAD
RABBIT HOLE
This fantastic WAD comes from the same demented mind that brought us Hotel Hell, so you know what that means: Lots of ambushes, lots of circles, and lots of frags! This is, without a doubt, my favorite point-and-shoot fragfest since Atari. I could fill three columns with the vicious fun to be had here, but that would take all the excitement out of it! Instead, here are few things that I wish I had known beforehand...
 
Tricks
In case you can't figure it out for yourself, when you get dumped in the level, you need to grab the shotgun and drop down the hole on the left. There will be a tasty piece of bait staring you in the face dead ahead. Grab it and dive back into your hole -- the welcoming committee, which seems endless, will arrive any second. Get prepared for about a couple dozen (I am not exaggerating) Imps, Former Humans, Former Sergeants, Demons, and other annoying "friends" to drop by. There is health to the left and right of the doorway -- make a run for it if necessary, but watch the barrels of toxic waste.
Once you (ha-ha) have managed to wipe out all the bad guys on the left, head up to the platform and go all the way down -- there is a secret room with a few goodies you will want. Use your ammo judiciously here, because refills tend to be few and far between.
There is a backpack, but it is pretty deep in. After you have battled the Manucubi, Hell Knights, and others (see traps below), you will finally come to a point where you... get ambushed by Cacodemons. Take them out, and drop down on the right side of your ledge. You should see a discreet door, which leads to mega-health and a few other goodies. Grab it, you're gonna need it. Once you've conquered the floor and headed into the tower, look to your right (don't fall) -- there is a backpack full of the ammo you couldn't find when you really needed it.
Don't worry, there is plenty of mayhem left ahead!
 
Traps
As you push through the first rabbit hole room, you will see a bridge with two toxic pits. The pit on your left, as far as I can see, has no discernable exit. The pit on the right leads to a roomful of Imps and Former Humans. It is OK to visit if you drop in there by accident, but short of getting all the secrets and kills, it doesn't have much to offer.
Moving right along, let's discuss some real problems. You can expect ambushes everywhere -- that's a given. But after you enter the secret hallway (when you see the light arrow on the ground, kill the Imp and walk through the bars), you are in for some real crap. Revenants and demons and Mancis, oh my! This is a great place to have your plasma gun loaded and ready. Hell, go for the BFG if you have it. I took out the Revenants (your welcome wagon) with rockets, but it took me eight trys to do it without blowing myself up. Then, I met my next guests, the Former Commandos... You get the idea. Be careful, and aim well -- otherwise you will be FUBAR.
Assuming you get past all this mess, the yellow key should be a breeze... And look! A switch, which leads to plasma and more switches... And more plasma... And... A HELL KNIGHT!
That's right folks, it's the classic give-'em-a-heart-attack when they open the door trick. Be prepared, he's quick. Of course, you'll probably have died multiple times by now, so who cares?
That should keep you all busy for another month. Grab your guns and go kick some alien tail -- and remember: When they scream "MEAT!" they mean you.
 
Jacqui Kramer will be back next month, assuming she avoids getting fragged in Rabbit Hole. Help keep Jac alive by sending your personal column suggestions to reeltime@voicenet.com, with TRICKS AND TRAPS in the header.
